I'm so exhausted. It's too late to sleep, but couldn't if I wanted to. Have to be somewhere at 8. Wonder how long I'll make it before I crash out.
I need to take better care of this thing.

~F.C.

I'm gonna make this a quick post, since I have no patience for writing at the moment. Heh

Well, where do I start? A lot's happened since I've last posted here.

I quit my job in Florida and moved back to Cali. I just couldn't take not being around my family anymore. Miyuki and everyone else was really happy to see me. Plus I was getting fed up with just surviving because the pay was shitty and our bills were starting to fuck Nick and myself up.

So here I am in Cali again. Just got done partying pretty hard with mah sista. We pulled an all nighter and I loved it. We drank and she watched me do some harder stuff. I was a little nervous about that at first 'cause I usually do stuff like that alone, but I felt totally comfortable around her, as always.
I should probably try to sleep, but I most likely won't be able to until tomorrow afternoon.

Anyways, yeah, I'll cut it off here. I've got more to post, but I'll do it when I'm not all jittery.

~F.C.

I've been really unhappy lately. I feel almost like a traitor. I left Miyuki, Katarzyna and Pietro in Cali for this shit. They're family to me.
I've been struggling to keep it together. Struggling to stay here and make it work.
I fucking HATE Florida right now. I dunno how it happened, but I know I'm a Cali boy. Well...as far as the U.S. goes, I'm a Cali boy.

Every time I think about them, Heather and Bruin I get upset because I really feel like I fucked up. I feel like I just up and ditched everyone just so that I could break out of the shell of the U.S.

I stopped smoking weed for a little bit so that I wouldn't be afraid of a random drug test from this new station...it's taking a huge toll on me.
It's not so much I miss it for recreational uses...I know a lot of people won't understand, but it really was medicine for me. It helped keep me from killing myself because I'm really, -really- fucked up in the head. The pills just wouldn't work because I'd puke them up. It felt like poison.
Weed was the only medicine that actually helped.

Well, here I am in Chicago drinking and doing a Robotrip. It's not so dangerous in moderation and I -do- know how to handle myself with drugs.
My roomie is pretty cool and smokes weed too. He and this other dude from my class seem pretty chill. The three of us are just going to get wasted. For the first time since I left Cali, I don't feel like killing myself, so I guess that's an improvement.

I guess we'll see how it al works out.

I know FL's not a prison, but it sure as hell feels like it right now. All I think about all day is going back to Cali. Going back to my comfort zone and going back to school and doing what I really think is logically right...but if I do that, I'm not sure I'll ever really breakout of my shell.

There're as many pros as there are cons....what does one do in -that- situation?

And because of all of these things I'm feeling lately (I usually do -not- feel shit like this), I feel ashamed and weak. I'm a goddamn dog and I should be able to step up and be ok. That's the ideal anyway.

Anyways, yes...Robotrip and booze. For at least these few days, I can feel ok. What's going to happen to me when I get back to that place? I guess we'll see. Hope for the best.

~F.C.

Of course I think it's cruel. Birds especially are not meant to be in cages.

To "Matthew":
I call you that because I won't dare utter your real name.

I'm adventuring. I'm really adventuring. I'm exploring new places and seeing new things...learning about different people...how they interact...
I'm seeing the world for what it really is. I dunno how, but I did it.

I'm so lucky to be able to go place to place like I do. I feel like I'm at least trying to live this life to the fullest.

Honestly, I'm doing it because I don't belong here. This isn't my life and it isn't my body to be experiencing these things in. But, since I'm stuck here, I almost feel an obligation to do everything big.
He never got a chance to be here to experience his life...he never got a chance to meet his mother and father. He never got a chance...I got his chance.

Matthew, wherever you are, I want you to know that I'm doing good here for you. I hope someone's doing the same for me.

It's my one opportunity  to see the world and redeem it in my eyes. It's my one chance to experience it for you. It keeps me from killing myself like I used to want to do.

I'm an adventurer at heart, truly. Matthew, for you.


~Fox David Collins

It's all gone..

I was so stupid.

I'll write what's left...


If a chick cannot break out of it's shell, it'll surely die. The world is my shell and I am the chick. : )

David, guide me. Please be the one that's calling me. To that place.

Leon, I'm sorry. I closed myself off too much.

I'm fucked up for not being open like I should.

I'm a hypocrite.


A nightmare? Only if I lose it at the end. Lose? More like forfeit.


I laugh so hard at all that got erased. I know it's fate.
Amazing...I opened up to myself. Maybe that was the point.

I know that had to have been the point.

I'm going to leave it as it is.

The bottle is still ok. It's not as full now that I've confronted myself.

Fuck...please, let me find -real- peace in that place. Let me go HOME. Let me be ok.

If I heard the call, I'd go running.

This is one of the only places I can say this. I doubt many of you'd understand, but I do...

That's why I stay here. I don't run here.

~F.C.

What the fuck's up with me? What's wrong with this stupid brain? Figures I'd get a broken one.

Things are so weird right now. A lot of stuff is happening too fast.

My station's closing, so I either take unemployment or I move to another state. Nick and I were kinda thrown into this together, so by some odd occurrence we'll be roommates. It's strange because we barely know each other.
I'm not actually sure what I want to do. I'm just going with the flow, trying not to think too seriously about it, but that might end up biting me in the ass. December's going to come quick and we have to have a decision made. HPN, ELP, ORF, PWM or RSW?

I've had such a horrible, horrible creative block these last few months. Every time I'd pick up my camera, I'd just lose the drive to create. It was mostly due to work and traveling a lot.
It seems that now it's finally starting to flow again, though. I picked up my camera last night and was just screwing around...next thing I know, it's six hours later and I'd taken almost 300 photos. I was also shooting most of today, practicing lighting and some new techniques I learned.

Meh. I feel kinda bad about some things I've done in the last 36 hours. I honestly don't know why seeing as how it's no one's business but my own. Still, I feel a bit guilty. Oh well, I'll get over it.

~Fox

I would attempt to solve the world's problems.

~Fox

I felt suicidal today. Only thing I could've possibly done was go to sleep.

I just woke up. I still feel hopeless.

Maybe more sleep..

~Fox

Maybe you're right you stupid cunt. Maybe I don't belong there. If you ever talk to me like that again...God help you.

I need to go to the doctor -very- soon. Either that or free myself.

Because of you, bitch, and because of his fucked up attitude, I'm going to drink until I can't think about you or anyone else anymore. I fucking hate you.

For the record, I didn't ask for your fucking help. Don't do me anymore fucking favors.

I need to be alone now. I need to fucking run for it.

~Fox

Soft and moist honey oat bread...mayo on one slice, mustard on the other, swirling together to compliment each other's flavors...a thin slice of tomato with some lettuce to lighten things up...fresh provolone cheese and colby jack cheese...and then, the centerpiece:  a slice of turkey and a slice of chicken that're both full of robust flavor. My perfect sandwich. : )

~Fox

I'm reaching a fucking dangerous point today. I don't know what I'm going to do if I can't calm myself down. I haven't been this angry in a while. It's almost making me shake. This is the shit that just reinforces the fact that I want out of this fucking life. Just shouldn't be like this.

~Fox

She's going to make me lose it. Just like last time. My misanthropy is starting to boil.

~Fox

I'm getting really stressed lately. I'm totally not happy, but what the fuck is new? I feel like I've got a lot bottled up, but I think it's just 'cause I can't explain what I'm feeling.
In any case, these two kittens are all I care about right now. I swear to god, it's so fucking frustrating having people around them. I feel like I have to protect them; from humans and all other animals alike. I've been growling and snapping at the people around here when they get too close or make too much noise. Everyone is telling me that I'm being uptight about things, but fuck them. I guess it has a little to do with how my spirituality shows through and reacts to my humanity. A bit of my parental instincts are kicking in I think.
I dunno, I just know what I feel for them and how scared and angry I get in regards to them.

Aside from that, I'm thinking a lot about things in regards to Leon and Eric and a few of my friends. It's fucking me up even more. My head is so messed up lately, but I'm trying to keep it together for these babies. I feel like just dragging them off to a nice quiet den underground...::sighs::..

::ear perks:: They're crying. I have to go.

~Fox

Holy shit. What a thing to wake up to. I just checked my mail and there was a news bulletin that said the bill to ban gay marriage was overturned in the state of California. That means, after a long, long time of waiting, it finally happened; gay marriage is now legal in California.
I knew it'd happen eventually and I'm glad that people are starting to come around. I think this is a giant step forward for the U.S. as a whole.

Man, I tripped hard last night. Robitussin is kind of cool to trip on every now and then, but I don't know why people become chronic users.
I mean, don't get me wrong, the trip was awesome!
 I took a shower near the start of my trip and it was...pretty intense. I curled up into a ball with a big smile on my face and let the water wash over me, increasing the heat every few minutes. I started having intense thought patterns as well as a strong urge to listen to Tool and Soundgarden. I ended up watching the music video for Black Hole Sun and it tripped me out a bit more.
I think the thing that sucked about it was that it was really late and I was tired, so I went to sleep. I wanted to enjoy my trip more, but I couldn't stay awake. Had some weird ass dreams though. A lot of them involved Tora and Todd; probably 'cause I was talking with them earlier on in the night.

Anyway, that's all I have to write.

Summary: Yay gays! and robotripping is fun.

~Fox

Fuck...I can't believe it's come down to this. Now, Brian's leaving too.
That means...everything I gave up in Florida...everything I built there...my WHOLE foundation...it's all for nothing. I lost everything and am stuck in the same position as I was in before.

Man, I'll tell ya. Never lean on someone for anything important. In the end, no matter what, you -will- only have yourself.

I'm kind of scared now. What am I going to do to get out of this mess? How am I going to recover?
And how do I live with the regret of giving up everything in vain?

FUCK!

-Fox

For some reason, I'm pretty low today. Irrational thoughts and stupid scenarios are drifting through my mind and I'm not exactly sure why.
::growl::

-Fox

Called Danielle today. Her voice brought back memories I don't think I was ready for. Every time I talk to one of them, I'm reminded of how I fucked up. I can't ever repair the damage I've done.
Oh well. The world keeps turning.
Somehow, that doesn't make me feel better.

-Fox