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January 12th, 2009

I've been really unhappy lately. I feel almost like a traitor. I left Miyuki, Katarzyna and Pietro in Cali for this shit. They're family to me.
I've been struggling to keep it together. Struggling to stay here and make it work.
I fucking HATE Florida right now. I dunno how it happened, but I know I'm a Cali boy. Well...as far as the U.S. goes, I'm a Cali boy.

Every time I think about them, Heather and Bruin I get upset because I really feel like I fucked up. I feel like I just up and ditched everyone just so that I could break out of the shell of the U.S.

I stopped smoking weed for a little bit so that I wouldn't be afraid of a random drug test from this new station...it's taking a huge toll on me.
It's not so much I miss it for recreational uses...I know a lot of people won't understand, but it really was medicine for me. It helped keep me from killing myself because I'm really, -really- fucked up in the head. The pills just wouldn't work because I'd puke them up. It felt like poison.
Weed was the only medicine that actually helped.

Well, here I am in Chicago drinking and doing a Robotrip. It's not so dangerous in moderation and I -do- know how to handle myself with drugs.
My roomie is pretty cool and smokes weed too. He and this other dude from my class seem pretty chill. The three of us are just going to get wasted. For the first time since I left Cali, I don't feel like killing myself, so I guess that's an improvement.

I guess we'll see how it al works out.

I know FL's not a prison, but it sure as hell feels like it right now. All I think about all day is going back to Cali. Going back to my comfort zone and going back to school and doing what I really think is logically right...but if I do that, I'm not sure I'll ever really breakout of my shell.

There're as many pros as there are cons....what does one do in -that- situation?

And because of all of these things I'm feeling lately (I usually do -not- feel shit like this), I feel ashamed and weak. I'm a goddamn dog and I should be able to step up and be ok. That's the ideal anyway.

Anyways, yes...Robotrip and booze. For at least these few days, I can feel ok. What's going to happen to me when I get back to that place? I guess we'll see. Hope for the best.

~F.C.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
vyxen
Jan. 13th, 2009 06:33 am (UTC)
Fox. You have not "fucked up" at all whatsoever. It took a hell of a lot of strength to do what you did. I admire your courage to move across the country. To not just give up for awhile. To stick with it. You should be proud of yourself.
You've not ditched anyone. There are some things you must do alone. I respect you for it. Miyuki and your babes are not going to be upset with you nor will they feel abandoned as long as you come back to them. They're animals just like you.
I must (admitedly selfishly) say that I'm happy you're a Cali boy. Perhaps when you've figured things out during this (what I believe) trail/test, you'll be much more empowered and know exactly what it will take to break out of your shell no matter where you are. Maybe when you get to a point in your work life where you can make school a steady career for awhile that will help. You'll be on your way to wherever you want to be and you'll have plenty of stimulus for artistic inspiration.
There will be a time where you can find a solution through the pros and cons. Trust me. ;)
I'm always here for you. I mean that with all my heart. *howls*
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