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I felt suicidal today. Only thing I could've possibly done was go to sleep.

I just woke up. I still feel hopeless.

Maybe more sleep..

Maybe you're right you stupid cunt. Maybe I don't belong there. If you ever talk to me like that again...God help you.

I need to go to the doctor -very- soon. Either that or free myself.

Because of you, bitch, and because of his fucked up attitude, I'm going to drink until I can't think about you or anyone else anymore. I fucking hate you.

For the record, I didn't ask for your fucking help. Don't do me anymore fucking favors.

I need to be alone now. I need to fucking run for it.


Writer's Block: Perfect Sandwich

Describe your perfect sandwich, layer by layer.
Soft and moist honey oat bread...mayo on one slice, mustard on the other, swirling together to compliment each other's flavors...a thin slice of tomato with some lettuce to lighten things up...fresh provolone cheese and colby jack cheese...and then, the centerpiece:  a slice of turkey and a slice of chicken that're both full of robust flavor. My perfect sandwich. : )

I'm reaching a fucking dangerous point today. I don't know what I'm going to do if I can't calm myself down. I haven't been this angry in a while. It's almost making me shake. This is the shit that just reinforces the fact that I want out of this fucking life. Just shouldn't be like this.

She's going to make me lose it. Just like last time. My misanthropy is starting to boil.

I'm getting really stressed lately. I'm totally not happy, but what the fuck is new? I feel like I've got a lot bottled up, but I think it's just 'cause I can't explain what I'm feeling.
In any case, these two kittens are all I care about right now. I swear to god, it's so fucking frustrating having people around them. I feel like I have to protect them; from humans and all other animals alike. I've been growling and snapping at the people around here when they get too close or make too much noise. Everyone is telling me that I'm being uptight about things, but fuck them. I guess it has a little to do with how my spirituality shows through and reacts to my humanity. A bit of my parental instincts are kicking in I think.
I dunno, I just know what I feel for them and how scared and angry I get in regards to them.

Aside from that, I'm thinking a lot about things in regards to Leon and Eric and a few of my friends. It's fucking me up even more. My head is so messed up lately, but I'm trying to keep it together for these babies. I feel like just dragging them off to a nice quiet den underground...::sighs::..

::ear perks:: They're crying. I have to go.


May. 15th, 2008

Holy shit. What a thing to wake up to. I just checked my mail and there was a news bulletin that said the bill to ban gay marriage was overturned in the state of California. That means, after a long, long time of waiting, it finally happened; gay marriage is now legal in California.
I knew it'd happen eventually and I'm glad that people are starting to come around. I think this is a giant step forward for the U.S. as a whole.

Man, I tripped hard last night. Robitussin is kind of cool to trip on every now and then, but I don't know why people become chronic users.
I mean, don't get me wrong, the trip was awesome!
 I took a shower near the start of my trip and it was...pretty intense. I curled up into a ball with a big smile on my face and let the water wash over me, increasing the heat every few minutes. I started having intense thought patterns as well as a strong urge to listen to Tool and Soundgarden. I ended up watching the music video for Black Hole Sun and it tripped me out a bit more.
I think the thing that sucked about it was that it was really late and I was tired, so I went to sleep. I wanted to enjoy my trip more, but I couldn't stay awake. Had some weird ass dreams though. A lot of them involved Tora and Todd; probably 'cause I was talking with them earlier on in the night.

Anyway, that's all I have to write.

Summary: Yay gays! and robotripping is fun.

Fuck...I can't believe it's come down to this. Now, Brian's leaving too.
That means...everything I gave up in Florida...everything I built there...my WHOLE foundation...it's all for nothing. I lost everything and am stuck in the same position as I was in before.

Man, I'll tell ya. Never lean on someone for anything important. In the end, no matter what, you -will- only have yourself.

I'm kind of scared now. What am I going to do to get out of this mess? How am I going to recover?
And how do I live with the regret of giving up everything in vain?


For some reason, I'm pretty low today. Irrational thoughts and stupid scenarios are drifting through my mind and I'm not exactly sure why.

Called Danielle today. Her voice brought back memories I don't think I was ready for. Every time I talk to one of them, I'm reminded of how I fucked up. I can't ever repair the damage I've done.
Oh well. The world keeps turning.
Somehow, that doesn't make me feel better.